Our Bittersweet Glorious Day

Sunday, October 23, 2016 will always hold special memories.

First, there is the spontaneous surprise visit from my brother! He actually arrived on Saturday but whatever… He lives in Virginia where he trains and instructs Navy pilots. He had just flown a jet into Boise on Friday for some instructing he would be doing with students for several weeks beginning on Monday. With Lukas’ birthday on Sunday and my body in process of a miscarriage with #3, he wisely thought a surprise would be fun. It was great!

The simple fact that our eldest was turning three is what made it a second special memory and a fun, special day to celebrate. We had a beautiful drive to Potlatch, ID, to check out some barnwood we can wrap the fireplace in the Irving St. house with. After loading up the truck with it, we headed to Moscow, ID, and the well-liked Breakfast Cafe to show Uncle Ryan more of our neck of the woods and enjoy a birthday breakfast with the birthday boy. Everyone was ready for some rest after we arrived back home! Unfortunately, I still needed to set some things out for Lukas’ “ice cream bar” birthday celebration so no rest for the mama.

Before Uncle Ryan needed to start his drive back to Boise, we lit a candle in a small bowl of ice cream so we could sing and celebrate with him.  As we finished and said our goodbyes to him, friends started arriving to celebrate Lukas as a three year old! About twenty minutes into friends arriving, I realized my body was also deciding it was time to let baby #3 go. This is the third and final memory to be held on this special day.

Backing up, we had learned we were pregnant on September 30! We weren’t trying, we weren’t preventing, and we were (are!) constantly telling people we are open to adoption if they hear of, or know of, situations that might lead that direction. I thought adoption might be the next way God added to our family yet after that pregnancy test knew I was wrong on that account! My cycles hadn’t resumed to a normal rhythm as I had just weaned Kaden from breastfeeding so any dates for estimating a due date and how far along we were was out the window. The only thing that alerted me to take a pregnancy test was nausea that was similar to what I had carrying Lukas and Kaden.

A few weeks later, with very rough clues following the pregnancy test, we estimated we were roughy two months along. The Tuesday evening prior to this special Sunday, I started spotting. Somehow, I just knew. We weren’t going to get to keep this little one. I didn’t really want to acknowledge it until it was official. After an ultrasound Thursday evening, both Karl and I knew it wasn’t looking good. We both have seen enough ultrasounds to know that what we had seen wasn’t positive. As I was in the bathroom afterwards, the tech also gave him the “it doesn’t look good” face. Blah. A follow-up doctor appointment Friday afternoon, gave us the official word that there was no heartbeat. Now, it was just waiting for my body to let go, which after my doctor’s exam indicated that my body was preparing for that process. My doctor said she wouldn’t be surprised if things happened in the next 24 hours. Nothing did.

It’s always in looking back that I see God’s hand in so many ways. Typically, for me, in the midst of things, I’m wondering how things will work out. I know they will. I’m just too detail-oriented to not wonder how it will...and try to plan ;) After my brother’s surprise of showing up, I didn’t think too much of when my body was going to “do its thing.” I am so, so, so thankful that for the time my brother was with us we were able to just enjoy being together and hang out.

Now, back to Lukas birthday party! For some, I know the timing of having your son’s 3 year old birthday celebration would not be ideal to also be passing another child. I’m not sure I would have chosen it either. Yet as my body began its process and I excused myself to the bathroom, I sent a text to some friends that had been walking with me through the week: “I have to text because the timing is crazy. Celebrating one life and saying goodbye to another.” That phrase of “Celebrating one life and saying goodbye to another,” became very sweet to me. Outside the bathroom was a house full of friends that knew what we were walking through and were also celebrating Lukas. It was sweet picture to me of amazing community that is able to rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with those that weep. We were doing both. At the same time.  In fact, Karl brought me the monitor that’s in the boy’s room so I could see a very little smidge of all the kids playing...and Lukas saying hi to me!

I was able to return to the party after a while and sat at the dining room table with friends around me. Again, in this situation for some, friends would have been asked to leave and everyone would have understood! For me, I was so thankful Lukas was having a blast and being celebrated. I didn’t want people to go home. I was glad there was life happening around me. It was healing to me to have friends right there to give hugs and sit with me. As an introvert, I surprised myself by even telling everyone that I was actually glad for the timing of it all! I was getting to celebrate one life and say goodbye to another at the same time with great community around me. It was special.

With our first miscarriage before Lukas, I ended up in the ER because my body couldn’t handle the amount of blood loss. Having walked with other friends through miscarriages, I knew that typically, the body will pass things at home and all will be well. I thought the time I spent in the bathroom during Lukas’ party was possibly all my body needed to do. Friends, Phil & Cassie, took the boys to church with them after the party so Karl and I could get some rest and process together. My body also told me it wasn’t done.

Just before Phil and Cassie got home with the boys, I asked Karl if he could call his mom to come stay the night. I was also getting more weak and shaky and Karl said he would like me to go to the ER. I agreed that it was probably a good idea. We knew he would need to help settle the boys with his mom and then meet me there. We had Cassie drive me after Karl and Phil did a chair lift with me to the car. I was laying on the floor in our bedroom before they carried me and Kaden had come in to see me. He was so snuggly and warm and wanted to just lay nestled into me. It was a special moment with him :) Lukas was a funny memory - As I was being carried to the car, I heard him say, “Hey, what are they doing with mom?” I was so thankful it wasn’t with a scared voice or even a confused voice. It was a matter of fact tone of voice, which helped this mama’s heart as I was leaving! Momo’s (Karl’s mom) response that I wasn’t strong enough to walk was just perfect :)

After arriving and checking in to the ER, I was waiting at the counter in a wheelchair, not feeling well. I told Cassie that I thought I was going to faint. Sure enough, the next thing I knew, there was someone say, “Miss, miss, can you open your eyes.” I can remember opening them but also not how we got to the ER room, which is my next memory. I was still in the wheelchair yet next to a bed BUT I was throwing up into a hand and I remember thinking, “I’m pretty sure that’s Cassie’s hand I’m throwing up into.” True friend is all I can say to that!! She was great to have by my side since Karl couldn’t be there right away.

After nurses had me stabilized, Karl arrived. I was so glad to see him! Before leaving home, I had also sent a text to my friend, Rachel, who is an ER nurse, asking if she would come be with me. I also contacted my friends Paige and Amy to be there as well. I asked myself, “who does not have young kids that can come be with me!?” They arrived and it was such a gift to have them. They prayed with me. Rachel stayed in the room with me and Karl through the evaluation of my body. We learned that I had come into the ER with my red blood cell count at 11 (normal is 12-15) and had dropped to 9 while there. So, so thankful we went when we did! There was talk of a blood transfusion but we never did head down that route.

When the ultrasound tech came to get me, my “groupies,” as Karl referred to them, waited until we returned. After my lab and ultrasound results were known and the decision to do a D&C (surgery where they put you out and remove remaining tissue from your uterus so as not to cause infection) was made, I had a lot of fear, and tears, and overwhelming emotions of getting pregnant again (yes, I was jumping to future possibilities). I did not know how to process all of it. They prayed with me again and for Karl and the surgery...and just all of it. It goes without saying that having my husband with me was the absolute best. The second best was having the gift of these ladies come out late at night to be with me and stay until we were waiting for the medical team to assemble for my surgery. AND they took over the care of our boys and figuring out plans for the next day while we rested and recovered in the hospital. I didn’t handle a darn detail. That’s big. I have amazing friends and husband.

I missed and thought of Lukas and Kaden yet was so comfortable and confident of ALL the help that was being poured out to love and care for them over the 24 hours we were gone. From Karl’s mom to other friends going to our house and playing with them to meals being set up for the following week to beautiful flowers being brought to us, we have experienced God’s hands and feet and love and care through so many. We truly did not walk this alone.

Miscarrying is quite common as you come to learn as you experience it. We’ve had a number of friends walk through the journey as well. We like to think of all the little ones we haven’t been able to meet playing together :) As a sweet friend said in a text to me, “Your sweet baby was way too perfect for this world and the first thing they saw was Jesus - and there’s nothing sweeter than that.” It true. Our little peanut, as I affectionately refer to this one we’ve not met, is home. Really home. We have empty arms and are sad yet have a peace that passes all understanding.  It was a bittersweet, glorious day to celebrate Lukas’ life of three years and say goodbye to one that we won’t meet this side of heaven. So thankful for both lives. And so thankful for this little clan to call my own and look forward to any others added along our journey.

POSTSCRIPT:

What I learned after this miscarriage, is that it is common to have headaches due to the change in hormones and/or the anesthesia from the D&C surgery. They. Were. Gnarly. Not quite migraine but it was tough to function with two young kids, especially since it was combined with very little energy. Not to mention, attempting to process and grieve the little life you weren’t going to get to meet and enjoy. The friends and family that brought meals throughout the following week or came to play with the boys was so, so helpful. It provided space to just be in the days that followed. If you never experience a miscarriage personally, know that your helping hands go a long way in caring for a friend that does. Thank you to our community of helping hands that gave us moments to be a family and cherish what God has given as well as experience how God cares for and loves us through the sad times with the simple of act of a meal or listening ear.

Kaden's Birth Story

April 2016 May 2016

Kaden’s birth story starts mid-pregnancy as I sought input about having a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I know some would think me crazy! Why choose to go that route when I could easily shower and look cute with a scheduled c-section?!

For me, I relate it to someone who is an average runner. One who has trained and prepared for a marathon. Then, during that first marathon, after putting 110% into it, in mile 25 a hamstring is pulled. The runner finishes it walking yet the real desire was to finish by running across the finish line. That’s me with birth! My labor and delivery with Lukas ended in a cesarean, which I was fully on-board with and glad to do after 110% of effort! I wanted to run the labor & delivery race again to see if we could get a different outcome - a different race finish if you will ;) Thus, I chose to attempt a VBAC for Kaden’s birth. We looked into the options for VBAC’s around us and by process of elimination landed on choosing a midwife at a birth center in Moscow, ID (20 minutes from us).

In mid-December, about four months pregnant, we moved in with Karl’s parents so he could begin renovations in the evenings and weekends on the downstairs unit of the Irving St duplex. where we had been living (seemed like a good idea at the time). Having help with Lukas as I got larger and more tired was every mom’s dream! I was definitely spoiled and enjoyed every minute of it.

Roughly three weeks prior to Kaden’s due date of May 14, I started having contractions about 15 minutes apart. This timing was not ideal! We were trying to get work on Irving to a point that inspections could be had and then pass the sheetrock phase on to someone else. Karl was also working on some video prep for his summer courses that, if need be, he could have someone cover his class for a day or two depending on when I went into labor.  

In order to not encourage labor, I rested as much as one can while chasing an active toddler to give Karl as much time as possible to work before baby arrived! The contractions would ease up during the night and mornings and then begin in the late afternoons and evenings. They weren’t consistent but did begin to become stronger and longer. Thankfully, Kaden chose to wait and we were able to get to the week of his due date, which was also the start of summer classes for Karl.

I began to be more active that week. His due date of Thursday, May 14 came and went. Friday evening, Karl’s sister, Kari and his two aunts, Nadine and Lauren, surprised us with a visit! They were hoping for a baby to snuggle but Kaden had his own timing in store. On Saturday, Karl worked on the Irving house renovation with Kari’s, Nadine’s, & Lauren’s help. It was a quick visit as we waved them off that afternoon after the renovation work so they could be back for things on Sunday. 

(Picture: Aunt Lauren hanging out Friday, two days before Kaden arrived! Lukas at 19 months! Me at very pregnant.)

Sunday morning, May 17, around 4:00 a.m. Kaden began making it known that he was now ready! I lay in bed realizing contraction pain was increasing and timing between was becoming shorter. I woke Karl up around 4:30 to alert him. We were excited...and excited we’d made it this far! I sent Nicole, our doula, a text around 5:15 a.m. asking how her other client was doing since I knew she was at another birth - same thing happened with Lukas’ labor - ha! She replied that the baby had arrived a few hours earlier and a little more sleep would be nice but she’d be ready whenever we wanted her. Love her!! I lasted about 23 minutes to be exact. I sent her another text that I’d like her with us. Only an hour after my first alert to her, she was present and ready to support us in all things laboring!! Karl let his parents know we were in labor downstairs and they would be officially on Lukas duty when he woke up.

The next several hours Nicole had me in various positions to help Kaden continue to drop and be in good position. I also continued to wait for the pain to increase. It never did. Don’t get me wrong. There was definitely labor pains! But with Lukas’ birth I was induced with pitocin to get my contractions going. When I had sought understanding for a VBAC, the gal I met with told me to think of the pain with a pitocin-induced labor at a “10” on a scale. Then, drop that pain down a couple notches to an “8” for a labor that begins naturally. It was totally true! I was even more proud of myself going el-natural (no pain meds/epidural) with Lukas’ labor on pitocin! Around 12:30 p.m., Nicole suggested a shower to help ease the aches, I went into the bathroom and basically turned around. The thought of getting in and out and knowing we still had drive somewhere, was not appealing. She suggested it was probably a good time to head to Moscow and the birth center to our mid-wife.

(Picture: The only one we took laboring at home. Early labor stage with that goofy look :) Truth be told, I was bummed we didn’t take more at home to capture all we did!)

In preparation for the drive, Nicole tied a rebozo (think long fabric) underneath my tummy and around my hips to support and apply pressure for the contractions as we drove to the birth center (20 minutes away). Nicole drove her car and Karl (obviously!) drove us. I was kneeling on the front floorboards of the passenger side with my head laying on the seat and my hands grabbing the seat back. It was probably the most intense pain as we were driving and I didn’t have Karl and Nicole’s support around my hips. We made it though! And so did my midwife Nancy. She had been on a call an hour and half away at another birth, had just gotten home to take a shower and get sleep when Nicole called letting her know we were in transit :D Ahhh, the life of babies for midwives and doulas! Always making things exciting and sleepless.

Once we arrived at the birth center and settled in, Nancy told me that normally she doesn’t check right away but because there was another possible baby on its way as well, she needed to make a plan depending on how far along I was. (Side note: Nancy delivered four babies within 24 hours. Kaden was number three!) I agreed to the check of course and prepared myself to be 3 to 4 cm. As she was feeling me, she paused and got a funny look on her face. Then she said, “Kristy, I think you’re 9 cm!” She double-checked and sure enough, I was 9 cm. I was ecstatic! Those hours laboring at home, along with the positions Nicole had me in, my body had done its job!

Back pressure from Nicole, Emotional support from Karl

During the next two hours of laboring, Karl and I got in the birthing tub which was one of my favorite parts during those two hours. Having Karl apply hip pressure during contractions in a big tub of water could almost be called relaxing. Almost. After a while though, I was antsy and didn’t want to be in the tub any longer. Around 4 p.m., we chose to have Nancy break my waters in hopes that it put me into pushing mode. It did the trick! Pushing Kaden was different than with Lukas, which makes sense because that’s where Lukas stopped descending after the first hour of pushing with him. Just for my memory alone, labor had felt like “nothing” up to this point compared to Lukas’ - that’s what surprised me the most.  That is, until the pushing.

What I remember most about pushing with Kaden is that I felt most comfortable on the birthing stool leaning against Karl (who was back to back with Nicole for support) and having my legs propped up on Nancy’s shoulders as she sat in front of me so I had something to push against. We also all joked with Karl that he needed to use his engineering to figure out some sort of gadget that connects to the birthing stool to help the leg pushing support and make us all lots of money. The things you do while pushing a baby out….

Left: The best support team a girl could ask for.

Right: Nancy (on the right), our fantastic midwife, with Nicole and Kaden at 2.5 months

Nancy continued to check Kaden’s heart rate as I continued the pushing process. About an hour and half into pushing, they were seeing his head, but she was also watching his heart rate drop. At that point, instead of her slow and steady pushing approach, she told me we needed to get him out. And to PUSH on the next few contractions. PUSH, I did.

With ALL I had, I pushed Kaden into the world. Yes, pain. Yes, glory. Yes, amazing. I get choked up just thinking about it. Nancy placed him on my chest and I couldn’t believe that we had just accomplished a VBAC. It was an amazing moment. I will say here that I’ve heard pushing your baby out naturally creates some sort of amazing high yet I can’t say that I experienced that sensation. I was glad I had chosen the VBAC route and I knew I had “finished my marathon” but there definitely was not a euphoric high for me. Just sayin’. Maybe that will help someone else know it’s okay if they don’t get that sensation either.

Seconds after birth - Real life.

Seconds after birth - Smile!

I had my first moments with Kaden and Karl was proud daddy once again! He was born at 5:38 p.m. and was 6 lbs., 8 oz. and 20 inches long. Karl was also able to clamp Kaden’s umbilical cord. As Nancy began her afterbirth exam, she unfortunately found that because of the intense pushing I had to do to get Kaden out, I had a fourth degree tear. Yup. Go big or go home. For those that don’t know, that’s the “best” you can do. A one degree tear is blip on the radar compared to a fourth. Nancy can stitch up a first or second degree tear but with a third or fourth degree, it’s best to have a surgeon sew you up. Soooo, no idyllic sweet moments for us at the birth center with Kaden after he was born. That is definitely my only “sad” part of Kaden’s birth experience. Obviously, it was important to get me to the hospital to begin the stitching process yet it caused a flurry of timing that didn’t leave much to take in the moments. Nancy cleaned me up. Her assistants (I think! Or maybe, Nicole?!) cleaned up and clothed Kaden. And 30 minutes after birth, Karl was putting Kaden into his carseat for his first car ride :) Hahaha. Still cracks me up for some reason and I’ll never forget how cute he looked ready for his first ride!

“Ready for the carseat, dad!”

I was a bit light headed after the blood loss, not much food, all the effort of labor...you know, my marathon! Karl picked me up and put me in the car and drove us to the hospital. A great feature of our birth center is that it’s only three blocks from the hospital. Nancy and Nicole both drove their separate vehicles. I was checked in and longer story short, sewed up by Dr. Trihn (she was great!). Karl will tell you I hummed my entire way through that sewing job. I did. It’s how I coped with the pain and mental thought of it all. (Sidenote: A cup of warmed up prune juice with two tablespoons melted butter in it works like a charm to help the system move freely! I didn’t think the taste was too bad. I may or may not have called it my “hot toddy.”)

At Gritman Medical Center ready to be sewn up.

We stayed overnight so they could monitor me. Lukas was able to visit the next morning with Momo and Bobo (Karl’s parents). We were discharged that afternoon. I laid low for three weeks resting and recovering. It’s one of the best things a new mama can do after birth, I believe! I set up help with friends during the day for Lukas so that Karl’s mom wasn’t doing it all herself.

Meeting older brother Lukas for the first time!

Our friends Vince & Randi McIntryre were also visiting

when Momo brought Lukas in to see us.

The name Kaden means “companion” and we pray he will be a great companion who reflects God’s friendship towards us.  Using “Karl” as his middle name is tradition on Karl’s side to use the father’s name as the middle name for the second son, if there is one.

We love you, Kaden Karl! Happy 1st Birthday! We are blessed and humbled to be your parents and looking forward to how God shapes and uses you.