Jesus Knows.

Today is a rough day. Since I last wrote, it's been the unique emotional toll of being surrounded with the celebration of life, babies, progress reports on pregnancies, etc. Rejoice with those who rejoice! It is good. It is fun to see! There is an unspoken ache in me as well. I know deep down it's okay. It's okay to feel pain when others are rejoicing. It's apart of this life. Yet....how do I deal with and process this pain?

I awoke around midnight with an ache in my heart. It took me awhile to really feel it. I knew it was there yet wasn't quite articulating or even acknowledging why it was there. When I allowed myself to really feel it, the pain came and so did the tears. Today is the day we were supposed to hear a heartbeat.

Karl obviously woke up and asked if I was okay. After hearing why I was crying, he pulled me close and held me. No words were necessary. He prayed that we would know how to mourn well. I know he prayed a few other things but that's what I remember. And I believe God began to answer that prayer.

As I lay there trying to go back to sleep, my heart and mind turned instead to how Jesus felt. How does God know what I am going through? I realize more what it must have been like for God to send His Son, Jesus, to earth...to be separated from Him when they had a perfect relationship. Ug. That'd be hard. I'd imagine that was a unique separation.

Yet, as Jesus was on earth, He spent time in prayer with God the Father. There was still a relationship that existed between them. It wasn't until Jesus began claiming He was God and both the Jews and Romans wouldn't stand for that claim and in the end crucified Him on the cross that separation occurred. That....that is where I know God knows what I am going through. It seems so minor in comparison. Yet, I know it's okay for me to feel the pain. God knows what it feels like to be separated from someone you love.

We don't know if there was conception yet there was still a life in our hearts that was growing and developing. God knows what it feels like to be in pain from separation. I began to think about Jesus and how He also knows and experienced pain. I began thinking about the passage in the Bible about how He wept when His friend Lazarus died. I looked up the passage (John 11) and noticed something I'd never seen before in verses 33-35. It says, "When Jesus saw her (Mary) weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, Where have you laid him?' They said to him, 'Lord, come and see.' Jesus wept."

It stuck out to me that when he saw Mary and the Jews weeping, he was deeply moved. I know there are probably a lot of theological concepts that can be pulled out of this passage, and some are rumbling around in mind as I type, but what really impacts me is the simplicity that Jesus was deeply moved when he saw their weeping. He was deeply moved. HE was deeply moved. He was DEEPLY moved. He was deeply MOVED. That means a lot. He experienced the pain and hurt in their loss.

He feels my pain. He knows my hurt.

The other passages that came to mind weren't really specific....I mainly thought about the compassion Jesus felt. I did a search for compassion in biblegateway.com and here are a few that stood out to me....

Mark 6:30-34
The apostles returned to Jesus and told him all that they had done and taught. And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.”For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves. Now many saw them going and recognized them, and they ran there on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things.

Matthew 9:35-38
And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.  Then he said to his disciples,“The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”

- The fact that Jesus can see a crowd and have compassion on them because they are like sheep without a shepherd is amazing to me. He sees within the crowd and knows that just like when sheep do not have a shepherd all sorts of wandering, confusion, pain, suffering, etc., occurs the same happens with people. With Jesus, I am gaining a perspective on my pain and suffering. I don't have to wander through it alone. He is my shepherd - guiding me through it. 

Luke 7:11-13a
Soon afterward he went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a great crowd went with him. As he drew near to the gate of the town, behold, a man who had died was being carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow, and a considerable crowd from the town was with her. And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her...

- Jesus had compassion on this woman who had lost her son. It goes on to say that Jesus heals her son and brings him back to life and gives him back to his mother...crazy and amazing all on its own. For now, I rest in the fact that Jesus had compassion on her in her sadness and loss. 

Even in just writing that, I am reminded that Jesus always brings life. He obviously won't be in bringing life out of the tissue that my body was storing and has since passed BUT He will bring life out of this pain in other ways. 

As I type up these thoughts and look at God being separated from Jesus - what that must have been like - and then at Jesus' life - how He experienced pain and suffering and had compassion on so many - my heart is comforted and reminded that although there is pain and suffering, God hurts with me and with many others. He knows it's not how it's meant to be. He knows one day He will restore all things. 

Until then, He knows my pain and He knows your pain. I'm so thankful that He's not a stone god or just a man claiming to have a vision or word from God that others should follow him but The One who has experienced separation, pain and suffering, and has compassion and is able to bring life out of death. That is the good news of Jesus. 

Even though we won't hear a heartbeat today, my heart is being comforted as I look to Jesus, experience my pain, and realize that He understands what I am going through.