On July 5, we had our first positive reading of a pregnancy test. In Walmart, no less :) Epic surroundings for sure. We were visiting my grandma at the ranch in Potter Valley, CA, as well as my parents and sister and brother-in-law along with their two cutie-patooties of little boys. Karl and I went into town to grab much needed wasp killer for those crazy creatures and their nests which were beginning to invade the eaves of my grandma's house. Karl thought my mom could go into town with me...until I gave him "the eyes" and then bent down to whisper, "I think I should take a test." He finally understood. Off we went.
Being the newbies to this pregnancy test thing, we definitely waited another week and took another one - this time from Target to mix things up a little. Positive again. Okay...okay, now we know that ya only need one of those positives to know its telling you the truth the first time.
We had fun telling my family and even more so since it coincided with our summer road trip visit to California and we were able to do it all in person. Except for my bro, of course, who was out training on a carrier in the South Pacific. We did catch him on the phone a few weeks later though and that was priceless :)
Coming back into Pullman, we were able to share the news with Karl's parents, who were apparently just waiting for this news. For Marsha, Karl's mom and a social butterfly, this "keeping quiet" business was going to be an Olympic sport. She was amazing. Lips were sealed even though we knew she was ready to explode as soon as we gave her the go ahead. "First week of September, mom, after we hear the heartbeat....that's when we'll let you loose!"
Last Saturday, August 18, was the first day of my twelfth week. It was also the day I started spotting. We weren't overly concerned since some spotting is common. By Monday morning, things had progressed enough that I called the doctor's office. An ultrasound was scheduled for the afternoon. During the ultrasound, a couple questions were asked that alerted us to the unmistakable news that something was definitely not right. We had to wait 24 hours until we saw the Doctor on Tuesday afternoon to understand fully what the news held.
Those first 24 hours before seeing the doctor held a lot of our grieving. We knew whatever the news was it included "no baby." I don't know how to describe it but for whatever reason I knew the one thing I could stand on was that God is good. Regardless of how this pregnancy was turing out, God is good. That was my hope. That was where I knew I could go in my mind. It was Truth. It may seem weird that I can say "God is good" in the midst of knowing something is wrong with our pregnancy. Yet, I know God's character. I know He is grieving with me, with us. I know He is the God of all comfort. I've experienced His peace in the storms of life when I wasn't sure what was going on. I knew I could stand on Him again. I knew He'd hold me. I knew He would provide what I needed.
On Tuesday afternoon when we saw the doctor, we learned that there never had been a baby. Oh. Weird. I know. All the ultrasound showed was a lot of tissue but no fetal pole and no heartbeat. (For those like me that are just now hearing these terms and need a definition - this is from About.com = Fetal pole, a thick spot near the yolk sac, is the term used for the earliest signs of a baby in an early pregnancy ultrasound -- before the baby has formed a recognizable human shape. With a transvaginal ultrasound, the fetal pole becomes visible around 6 weeks of gestation.)
So.....there had actually never been a baby. That is so weird. I'd never heard of this possibility. Now I was. The egg and sperm that had implanted never developed yet gave all the hormones of pregnancy...and all the symptoms. Boy, had I been tired these past few months!! And Karl thought I had a small bladder before pregnancy?! (I'm not sure how that works since there wasn't a baby taking up room but I was definitely going the bathroom more!) It's been a little bit weird to think that what we thought was real...never actually was. I almost feel a little psycho. For two months, I had to remind myself I was pregnant, "you're pregnant...that's so crazy! I can't believe we're actually pregnant!" Now I'm having to tell myself, "No, you never actually were pregnant." See what I'm saying...a little psycho.
Regardless of that, there is still grieving. For two months we had been excited about parenthood, excited to give my parents another grandchild and Karl's their first, excited to make siblings aunts and uncles, excited for the things to come. All in time, God will provide what we need. All the time, God is good. Even though this has been a "rollar coaster" week as one friend put it, God has been near. In the friends He's brought alongside us, in the peace He's given both Karl and I, and in the family that has supported and cared for us.
To wrap things up, we weren't sure how my body was going to need to be dealt with - would it naturally shed all the tissue on its own in a miscarriage or would it need a D&C (dilated and curettage [meaning they would need to dilate me and scrap the tissue out if my body didn't naturally do it])? I did my first blood test after the doctor's appointment to check my hormone levels. The second was scheduled for Thursday. If my hormone levels were going down, that was good. My body should naturally shed the tissue. If they were still going up, that would mean my body was still trying to develop something and a D&C would need to be performed. All of Wednesday with my hand on my tummy, I prayed, "In Jesus' Name, release this tissue naturally!"It might sound cheesy, but hey, it's what I did! I did not want a D&C.
At 5:00 pm on Wednesday, I was realizing it was go time. My goodness! Earlier I had told a friend, I thought I was cramping a bit. Yea...no, that wasn't cramping. By 6:15 pm, I really knew what the doctor had meant by cramping! I had already passed some things between 5:00 and 6:15 pm and for some reason didn't think it'd be much more so Karl and I had decided at 5:30 that he would go kick off the small group we were leading for church. I had been excited about this night but clearly my body and I were going to be doing something different. I told him if I felt better by 7:00 pm, I'd come over. HAhahahhah....oh, that's funny now.
At 6:20 pm, I sent him a text, "Honey, I need u!" The cramps had come on sooo much stronger! He turned things over to a friend of ours and was home not even 10 minutes later (I love small towns!). By 8:00 pm, I was feeling pretty shaky and a bit lightheaded with everything my body had shed. We played it safe and went to the ER. After vitals, blood work, a pelvic exam, and another ultrasound to check for fluids in case it was a tubal pregnancy, I was discharged with the strong warning that if I had more severe cramping and bleeding or a fever, I was to return. That meant a D&C would need to occur right away. Thankfully, that has not been the case.
Proof, even to myself, that I was in the ER!
Since yesterday (Thursday), I've been resting and recovering. My body seems to be shedding the rest of what the doctor saw in the ultrasound in the ER and I'm slowly beginning to feel my energy return. In two weeks, I'll have another blood test to check that the hormone levels are continuing to go down. If they're not, a D&C will still need to be performed to remove any remaining tissue.
I am so thankful for God's protection and care. For answered prayer that my body would release everything naturally. For the fact that Anna, a friend of Karl's mom and an excellent ER nurse, was on shift Thursday night when I went in - I almost cried when I saw her, a friendly face! For friends, when they hear the news, pray for you, come hang out, or bring you dinner.
God is good. Life has its ups and downs. With sorrows that sometimes don't make sense. As Karl and I processed things on Thursday as we headed to a checkup with my doctor, we came to the conclusion that we feel content yet with an ache. And that's okay.
We trust that in God's timing, in God's mysterious ways that are much higher than ours, He will develop a family that is more than Karl and I. Who knows how that may develop. We'll have to wait and see. We do know that walking with Jesus through life's roller coaster provides peace that we'll never quite understand this side of heaven. For that, we're thankful that we can be content yet have an ache.
We still appreciate prayer for the continued processing we'll do, that my body will continue to shed whatever's remaining, and for my hormones to go down to where they need to be :) To God be the glory....great things He has done.
Dinner friends brought over...detailed down to the
memorial candle & lighter and strawberry shortcake (not pictured).
We also decided it was a night for some Kimmel Vineyards 2010 Cabernet Sauvignon.
