Believe it or not, Karl and I are far from perfect. It's hard to believe I know (meant to be read with a ton of sarcasm!!) And when God brings two sinners together in marriage - well, it becomes a kaleidoscope of colors! Sometimes it forms conflicting layers of color - perhaps when we expect the other to meet a need only God is meant to fill. At other times it brings the colors into an amazing blend of beautiful layers - such as when we're both looking out for the interest of the other and not just our own interest. Our vacation was definitely a combo of beautiful and some not-so-pretty layers of color. This is the story that the pictures don't tell.
A book we are beginning to read and talk through with another couple is Timothy Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage." We read the first chapter on Tuesday morning during our vacation. In chapter one, Keller says (italics mine), "Marriage is glorious but hard. (Can I get an AMEN!) It's a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories." This whole quote stood out to me yet the phrase "exhausting victories" captured me in a different way. I was soon to find out why.
The beginning of our time in Cabo was amazing. Great weather, fun time hanging out, good back and forth of relaxing for Kristy (aka reading by the pool or ocean!) and something active for Karl (exploring the tide pools, making guac with Ferdinand, etc!). Some beautiful kaleidoscope layering of color! Then we hit our wall. Here comes the kaleidoscope not-so-pretty picture. And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty, people! It was the blood, sweat, and tears....and exhausting victories that Keller referred to in his book.
Why in the world are we sharing this?! We both believe in transparency. We're not perfect. Our marriage isn't perfect. We don't want pictures to tell some idyllic-what-seems-to-be-perfect story. It's not the whole truth. We want to be real. We want to tell about what God is doing.
As a way to tell about what God does through our lives, we began to collect rocks. In fact, here's our jar:
Kinda weird, huh! Let me explain. One of the very first times we hung out in person, we went to Portuguese Beach on the Northern California coast where Karl taught me to juggle with some small rocks. I didn't quite master the skill but Karl secretly kept the rocks! A year later he presented these rocks as a reminder that God was orchestrating our relationship. From that point, we decided to start a tradition that whenever we saw God's faithfulness in our lives, we'd take a rock from the area to remember His work. (Somewhat similar to the alters that were built in the Old Testament when God did something and the person/people wanted to recognize it - i.e. Joshua 4:1-7) We added two more rocks to the collection as we were in Cabo.
We picked these two rocks up from the beach on the Sea of Cortez to remind us that God is good. He is faithful. As you'll notice, they are layered - one with various spots and one with actual layers of color (usually we only choose one but sometimes ya just can't decide :) Sitting on some rocks on the beach, we had to peel a number of our own personal layers away as we talked through our very different personalities. As we pressed into the hard areas of our hearts, we felt the blood, sweat, tears, and humbling defeats of marriage. Over the course of the conversation, we felt God begin to break through both of us. Yet, as the day progressed we realized it was only the beginning.
Our blood, sweat, and tears lasted through the night - literally. Neither of us got much sleep. It was a rough night. The only thing that held us that night was being able to cry out to Jesus. Although the night was rough, the next morning we felt that God had done more work chipping away at the hard areas of our hearts. So without much sleep, we headed off on a whale watching tour before catching our flight home.
Believe it or not there was still more work to be done. Lasting throughout the weekend, the conversation that began on Tuesday was still rubbing raw and bringing light to the areas that needed it. And just so we're not talking abstractly here, two issues Karl brought to my attention that he was seeing in me were that one I had become self-absorbed and two I had become self-righteous. Ugly! I was not expecting that! Needless to say, I was a bit taken aback with those observations. And yet after the shock wore off, I had to agree with him. Confess it, repent of it and ask his and God's forgiveness.
That is where life begins to get beautiful layers of color. Sin is ugly. It definitely does not glorify a pure and holy God. YET it sure shows me how beautiful Jesus is as He willingly laid down his own life by taking not just my sin but the sins of the world upon himself so that we would no longer be separated from a pure, Holy God. Jesus puts me back into a right relationship with God every time I sin.
As Karl and I continued fighting for our marriage over the weekend (in the sense that we both know there is more God wants to do in each of us and in our marriage if we fight for it rather than ignore issues or stuff them), we continued to see God chip things away. Especially after Karl called me out on what he was seeing and I repented and asked for forgiveness. There was a new softening on my heart. I didn't know that I had had a hard heart. I kinda knew my relationship with God over the last year had been different and had attributed it to ALL the changes that had been taking place. I think all the changes were a piece of my relationship being different yet now know that somewhere along the line, seeds of self-righteousness and becoming self-absorbed had begun to sprout.
If marriage has taught me anything thus far, it is definitely the fact that Jesus has absolute reign and everything is for His glory - not my own. I can do nothing on my own. There will continue to be things we work through. This was one of those "exhausting victories." What the pictures don't tell - Vacation ended up being exhausting. The fact that we continued to press into hard conversation, peeling layers back, and being real with each other led to the victory of having my heart softened. Only something God can do.
One day at a time. One victory at a time - some more exhausting than others :) And picking up rocks along the way to remind ourselves of God's faithfulness. His goodness. He doesn't change.
